Today was supposed to be a Monday Randoms post. It was supposed to be my 20-week update. I was going to post a poll, asking if you thought it was a boy or a girl.
But on Sunday, June 2, we had to say goodbye to our baby, 19 weeks and 1 day into the pregnancy.
Around 1:30 a.m., I woke up, feeling like I was "leaking." My side of the bed was soaked. I went into the bathroom, and saw brown blood. I woke Dave up, and told him I was going to the hospital. He started to get dressed to come with me, but I reminded him he needed to stay home with Liam.
In the Labor & Delivery unit, I was taken into an exam room. A medical assistant took me into an exam room. She briefly tried to find the fetal heartbeat with an external monitor, but could not. A nurse-midwife came in and started up the ultrasound machine. She quickly located the baby, and showed me the beating heart.
A doctor came in to finish the ultrasound. She was concerned by the lack of fluid around the baby, and thought she saw a partial placenta abruption (separation of the placenta from the wall of the uterus). She called a perinatologist (a high-risk pregnancy doctor) into the room. He did not see an abruption, but was also concerned about the lack of fluid.
They did a physical exam, and took swabs of the fluid, and left the room to test it. While she was gone, I called my parents and asked them to go to our apartment. As soon as they arrived, Dave came to the hospital.
The doctor confirmed that the leaking fluid was amniotic fluid: my water had broken. We asked about bed rest, but she shook her head. I had no amniotic fluid left. Even if I were to go on bed rest, the baby would need that fluid to help its lungs mature. I was still five weeks away from viability. So close, but still so far away.
She told us we could induce labor, or they could do a "dilation and evacuation" (D&E). Because I was not dilated or contracting, inducing would likely lead to a D&E anyway. Part of me wanted to try induction. It would be my only chance to see our baby. But I would be risking my ability to have another baby in the future. And I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle seeing my baby, only to have him or her taken away.
So, we began prepping for the D&E. It's considered surgery, and I was under general anesthesia during the procedure. I don't remember a thing. I do know that my blood pressure and heart rate both dropped during the procedure. While most women are discharged the same day, I had to spend the night in the ICU. I wasn't able to go home until late the next day.
It's been over a week, and it still doesn't seem real. Little things remind me that I'm no longer pregnant, and I break down and cry.
We feel . . . cheated. I had just begun to feel the baby kick. The night before my water broke, Dave was able to feel a few light kicks through my belly. The hospital gave us a memory box, which contains the baby's footprints, and a knitted gown that would have been the baby's size. I added my hospital bracelet, and a few sympathy cards that we've received.
One thing that surprised me was the number of messages I've received that said, "Something similar happened to me." I now feel like I'm in some "secret club," that nobody talks about, and nobody wants to be a part of. I feel like an "other."
If you find yourself a part of this "club," there are resources to help:
- UNITE, Inc. — This group was recommended by the Family Planning department at our hospital
- Share — Started in 1977, and has been active in advocacy for grieving parents
- Through the Heart — a new group, started by a mother who lost her baby at 20 weeks, which aims to be the leading organization in education about miscarriage and pregnancy loss
There are also pregnancy loss support chat forums on just about all the major pregnancy planning websites: TheBump.com, BabyCenter.com, WhatToExpect.com, etc. If you're not comfortable attending an in-person support group, chatting online with other moms who've had similar experiences may help.
And please don't hesitate to contact me, my email address is on the Contact page. At this point, my experience is very recent, and I don't have any advice to give. But I will listen and extend my sympathy.
The Home Cook says
Still thinking about you and sending lots of hugs and support. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Lindsay says
My heart still breaks for you and what you have been through this last week. Much love for you and your family.
Joanna says
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sending lots of love and support to you and your family.
Christine @ Christine's Kitchen Chronicles says
My heart continues to be heavy and completely broken for you, Dave, Liam, and your entire extended family.
This is a definitely a "secret club" that I'd never want anybody else to be a part of but there is some comfort in knowing you're not alone. Unfortunately, what many do not realize (because we as a society don't talk about it) is that the statistic of miscarriage/stillbirth/infant loss is 1 in 4 and it really can happen to anybody :(. Another great resource that I shared on my blog after my own early miscarriage is http://facesofloss.com/.
Give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically. Wishing you strength and comfort.
Emily says
I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. It is so unfair. Sending lots of love and strength to you and your family.
Courtney says
I think you're so brave for sharing this story. Sending many thoughts of peace and comfort your way.
Maeghan says
I am terribly sorry for your loss and you will continue to be in my thoughts.
Eva @ Eva Bakes says
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Coleen. My heart breaks for you and your family, and you will continue to be in my thoughts.
Jenna says
I am so so sorry to read this. Praying for you, Dave and Liam.
Stacey says
I am so, so sorry. You, Dave, and Liam are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jessica @ Sunny Side Up says
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling. I think it is really brave of you to share your story with others. Thank you for sharing. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))
Jessica @ Sunny Side Up says
I also wanted to share a post I read about pregnancy loss on a board once.
"I know it's of little comfort but think of it this way. All he ever knew of life was of safety, warmth, your voice, your SO's voice, your heart beat. He never knew hunger, pain, coldness, sadness. He never needed to want anything, he was always safe inside you.
I'll leave you with a quote.
"You know that place between asleep and awake? Where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll be waiting. That's where I'll always love you."~Tinkerbell"
Coleen says
Jessica, thank you so much for that. You don't know how much I needed to hear that.
Angie says
I'm praying for you, honey. My heart is broken for you.
The Good Wife says
I am so sorry for you loss. All of my thoughts are with you and your family. I wish you peace and healing.
elly says
I've been thinking about you a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Lorrie says
I am so sorry. I too went through this very thing, but I was 10 days past my due date. Nevertheless, we had a emergency C-Section delivery as they hardly heard his heartbeat and during delivery both my son and I had to be resuscitated. He is now 23 years old and I consider myself very lucky it didn't come sooner. We had four children in all and he was the only difficult birth. Your post made me cry, as I know just how you felt. Again, my deepest sympathy.
Kelly @ Runmarun says
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts are with you.
Kylee says
I've been thinking of you ever since I found out your sad news. I'm so sorry, Coleen. I hope you are reaching out for support at this sad time. I wish you much love.
Colleen says
I am so sorry to both you and your husband for your loss.
Erin says
Continued thoughts and prayers for you, Coleen. I can't imagine the heartbreak you are going through and even though the words don't feel like enough, I am thinking of you and I am so so sorry for your loss. (hugs)
[email protected] says
Thinking of you and your family, you guys have been in my prayers daily.
branny says
Thank you for sharing. I am so very sorry.
Chrissy says
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for sharing your story.
Joelen says
My heart is so heavy thinking of you, Dave, Liam and the rest of your family. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers hoping that you find peace with time. Many hugs to you...
NTrickSteinbach says
Hey RedHeadedBaker,
We were on the same bump group and I have been thinking and praying for you and family often. I miss your thoughts and experience-sharing over there and will be following your blog moving forward. All the very best,
NTrick
Stephanie @ Macaroni and Cheesecake says
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can not imagine what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers!
Tara says
I am so sorry for your loss